The Classroom

I love stand up comedians. I think that’s why I let class clowns get away with so much. As long as they know when to stop (I know, that rarely happens…) I let the jokes fly. I was once told by a very concerned Librarian that my class couldn’t be learning anything. They were laughing too much. I took that as a complement.

I often considered trying my own hand at stand up – but I know I don’t have the gift for it. But if I did – this would be one of my first bits – it’s funny because it’s true.

***

My first classroom shared a wall with the boys’ bathroom. Now the reason I tell you this is that every once and a while some little boy would discover that the acoustics was just right in there to have your voice echo like mad and break into song. This would be quickly resolved by me banging on that joining wall – and causing things to go silent. But one day that little trick didn’t work. In fact – the singing got louder.

Now I was teaching a class of 29 grade six students, and I really couldn’t be bothered to walk all the way around to go to the washroom and deal with the problem my self. So I sent my enforcer – let’s call him Jeff. Now Jeff was a trouble maker – make no mistake. He had his own chair in the office, and I had his parents on speed dial. But he was a good kid. You know the type I’m sure. When given some responsibility and told that it was important, he could be trusted totally, but if left to his own devices… he was also one of my class clowns. All that aside, he was also one of the toughest, meanest looking kids in my class – and when Jeff spoke, the other kids listened. The perfect enforcer.

“Jeff,” I said, “Go to the bathroom and politely tell our young musician to stop… or Mr. Grundy will be… grumpy.” Jeff smiled and dashed away to deliver the message.

The class went silent. Even though there was a brick wall between us they wanted to hear the mystery singer’s reaction. I continued to write the notes on the board – pretending not to be interested my self… then it happened. The low rumble of Jeff giving my warning and…. the frantic yelling of the mystery singer, followed by Jeff’s calls for help.

I ran down the halls to see what was going on, and I opened the door to the bathroom only to see Jeff flat against the wall, not wanting to move. I heard the mystery singer threaten Jeff with “and I’ve got a gun, and I know how to use it”.

I couldn’t see our little Pavarotti and what he was doing to frighten Jeff so badly, so I quickly jumped in front my my messenger hoping to protect him, and buy him time to escape and get help….

Only to find a grade two student with his pants around his ankles, threatening to urinate all over my student.

The site of “Mr. Grumpy” appearing out of no where broke the tike’s bravado long enough for me to send Jeff back to class and take control of the situation. After escorting the child to the office, and informing his teacher of his where abouts I head back to class – which was now howling with laughter.

“You still dry Mr. G?” was Jeff’s first remark.

Trying to retain my composure I quickly tried to get my class back on track and resume our notes on the government structure of Ancient Sparta. But before I could even write my first word on the board little Tannis raised her hand and asked “Mr. Grundy, what does circumcised mean?”

Thinking quickly I replied “It means Jeff got too good a look, ” and went on with my lesson.

***

Nine years later and that story still makes me laugh. Laughter is a big part of my classroom, and it’s one of the main ways I connect with my students. I think the best part of that story is that it’s 100% true. I couldn’t make that up if I tried. I’m not that creative. So my question this week is what tales can you tell?